I just posted a long response only to have my internet crash .
Thank you everyone…I have tears on my eyes with gratitude. You all help me so much!
Sometimes I need to reach out and say I know it looks like I have it all together but I don’t. Please help me! They say you can’t save y our @ss and your face at the same time! I am ashamed to not be winning at life and at sobriety…truth is…this is really, really hard. Some days are good and others really suck.
I was almost to a 7 on the relapse ladder. No definite plan but many possibilities running through my head.
My AV kept telling me I could moderate. I thought about the last year of my drinking. I went to detox and rehab for 7 weeks last January. I came out and drank the day I got home. I crashed my car and droe down I-90 with it leaking fluid, back bumper GONE, car smoking and only going 20 mph on the interstate waving people around me like JESUS just GO AROUND ME. Why I was not pulled over, I do not know. I then tried to drown myself in a reservoir and landed myself in a locked mental ward for 17 days making macaroni necklaces and beaded purses during “arts and crafts” hour. I got out and went to a Jazz festival and drank 8 ciders. A month later I was bleeding to death in my apartment, alone. My sponsor at the time showed up with another woman from AA and they scraped me off my floor and dove me to the ER….my sponsor had to sit in the back seat with me and hold my broken body while my nose poured blood and I seized the whole way to the ER. I was in hypertensive crisis when admitted and would not have lived much longer. I then went to detox and rehab for another 2 months. I’ve been sober since that day I was rescued from my apartment and almost certain alcoholic death at the age of 33. I do NOT want to go back there. I cannot drink normally.
After work I went to this cute little local grocery store. I am now the proud owner of a massive burrito, a box of Pepperidge Farm cookies, a mega home made chocolate chip cookie, a slice of iced lemon cake, and 3 seltzer waters. Om nom nom. I can FEEL myself getting fatter.
I love you all. Thank you Thank you Thank you for listening to me and responding and helping me stay sober.
Gonna eat my cake and waddle to a meeting tonight.
Love,
Bunny