Originally Posted by
Ariesagain 
I think if you go back and read your first post from an outside perspective you might see how some of us were confused by it? You talked a lot about him, mentioned you hadn't dealt with these feelings before and you feel love for him, his phone call to you from his new girlfriend's house as recounted sounded very much like a boyfriend, and your husband's involvement with this guy wasn't mentioned at all...
So you can maybe see why some of us leaped to conclusions, especially since lots of people only read the original post and skim the responses?
I hope you're feeling better and stronger today...
The feelings I was referring to were the sense of responsibility I felt. The sense of responsibility came from knowing I advised him on purchasing a car and he impulsively left town 3 days after purchasing it. The woman he is involved with was someone he reconnected with after 25+ years and moved in with after only 2-3 weeks of communication with her! 😳 Sound familiar? I only learned about his friendship with her AFTER he made the decision to leave rehab and stay there. I have the unfortunate knowledge of his behaviors outside of a treatment facility and it's been chaos, pure chaos. I felt bad (responsible)for HER!
I felt responsible for my part in the car bit. If he didn't have a car, he would have probably stayed and received the treatment he needed. If he didn't have a car, he wouldn't have left the only support he has left (barely), which are his adult children. If he didn't have a car, I would not feel so anxious about him drinking and driving and hurting SOMEONE ELSE.
*When you know someone that's been killed by a drunk driver, this hits home!!
I do feel a sense of love and empathy for him. Even if none of what he said was true, he obviously was at an in-patient facility for a reason. They don't just allow you to stay and hang out there without good reason. He was NOT loud, angry, mean spirited, or hurtful when he was sober or drinking. He was sad, regretful, ashamed, and hopeless. That vulnerable behavior resonated with the caregiver in me, I guess ?? If he had been abusive or inappropriate towards me, it would not have been the same. I do not have people like that in my life.
My husband was not mentioned because it was about my feelings.
He had already reassured me, but I just kept renumerating about all the things that could go wrong again outside of treatment. He had only been there for a month.
His Dx is consistent with childhood sexual abuse. I DO believe that part. None of it matters at this point. Why he does what does? I was trying to understand my part in this. What I should or shouldn't feel "responsible" for. I know plain and clear he manipulated me. I am not a doormat and didn't recognize why I felt so bad. I felt bad because I AM A RESPONSIBLE PERSON with a conscious, he is operating under a different set of rules and boundaries for himself.
None of it matters. The negative comments were helpful in their own way, but were hurtful because I thought I WAS detached, and for most of the time I was. Being so far away, I could hang up and go about my day with my family and it didn't effect me---until this last episode and because I feel I may have assisted all of it to happen with the STUPID CAR!
I see my feelings in this are irrelevant to his choices. I hope I never encounter anyone like this again, and if I do, I have the wisdom to know better, know the importance of boundaries, know the importance of not trying to help. I will leave it to the professionals.....which is something I'm prepared to say if for some awful reason we speak again.
I am still disappointed in myself.
I will be OK.
I was scared and anxious when I was writing that post. I read it again and I feel it again....ugh.
I will read the online literature from Al-Anon just to know what it's all about.
I really just want to complete the walk, and walk away from all of this...
I intend on doing just that.