I'm totally crushed. It might not seem like a huge deal to some... but I found out that my AH was mildly flirting on a recovery internet group. When I confronted him, at first he blew it off saying it was just supporting other members and nothing. Then I saw another and it just bothered me... not straight out bad.. but I have a problem with him saying he was checking out her pictures- she initiated a convo on one of his posts. We have been together for about 13 years and have two children. I have struggled with him through his addiction, in and out of rehabs. It has been terrible. He is coming up on 6 months clean and I'm destroyed that this would even be an issue. I've always been very confiden with myself and our marriage... all of his friends and family have told him they have no idea why I dated him to begin with let alone stayed with him through this illness. I may have reminded him of the fact that many guys would love to be in his position
I never doubted him regarding fidelity... even during active addiction. I know he loves me/ and is In love with me. We discussed it (after a blow out) and he seemed to be having realizations of things he was working with his sponsor... about sabotaging his recovery and "good things" before they hurt or leave him. I told him that even though it wasn't an affair or anything that he was putting his toe in dangerous waters by seeing attention and approval from other women. We think he was trying to fill the void that the drugs would fill with attention from others leading to the thought that was a quick way to huge screw up in our relationship or lead to a relapse. He deleted his online profiles, etc. Swore it would never happen ever again and said he was talking to his sponsor about it last night. Yesterday I was just sad and hurt. He was sweet .. but I was/ am just sad. I'm not sure if it is bc he did that.. if it is bc he was looking outside of our relationship.. if it is bc I cant give him what he needs or that I feel like I'm not enough now. Then I wonder if I'm being manipulated- and he is just a straight up jerk face. After his meeting we ended up in a huge fight bc "im trying to make him feel worse by being sad" that "i'm twisting the knife"... idk maybe I am? I know he would go absolutely crazy if the shoe was on the other foot... and he admits that. I think sometimes he forgets just who he married. I've never been a passive type of person. I don't understand why he screws up and i'm supposed to just "get over it" and move on. I feel like he once again can't stand to pay the consequences for his actions. IDK I feel broken, sad, and angry.