it feels like pulling teeth to post this. but i'm slacking off on all my self-care. i'm three days in bed now, just distracting myself with tv and other escapist behaviors. following right in my mom's footsteps. i guess this is a post about character assassination, not knowing who you are or what your purpose is without someone else being around to tell you how you're supposed to be living. i don't know how to write my own narrative - Nmom/Amom always did that for me.
i've come really far in some ways - i'm on way better meds, i'm not dealing with as much of the affect of the major depressive disorder that took a major upswing after the initial NC euphoria wore off. i hit the self-care hard out of desperation for months - talk therapy, getting into an out patient mental health program for meds, going to three kinds of meetings every week, trying to take walks. but i stopped a couple months ago. and now, it's like... i'm crying a lot less, i'm less emotional... but what's left is the indifference, this dangerous ambivalence.
i can't get myself to care enough to do anything. a reasonable person would suggest getting a hobby, something, anything to just engage in some sort of activity. it scares me how little motivation i have to do what i need to do in order to live a life. and i know therapy/meds/meetings/exercise is the recipe. how can i care so little? my therapist would say it's under-medicated major depressive disorder talking. but i'm pretty medicated. sigh. i feel like i need to actually alter on a basic personality level and barring that, this is what i'll always be dealing with. tired refrain. i'm tired of my own company.
mr seasaw and i are still going so strong. i feel like he deserves better. i miss my friends. i'm so isolated here. i feel like my once well oiled social skills are getting real rusty.
i know it's hard to read posts like these. you don't need to feel compelled to give me a pep talk. i just needed to say it to a group who would accept and understand me.
