Thanks to all those who took the time to respond. I am finding it so hard to get into an inpatient program which deep down is what I know I truly need. I have the opportunity to sneak today and I am fighting in my head to not do it. The reasons not to so out weigh the reasons to do so. Why does it fight us so hard? I feel so lost and so scared by what I am capable of. I had a seizure a week ago; the biggest fear I have had up until it happened. I know death is about all that's left. I have a wife who still has stayed with me and wants me to get better, kids who miss and love me, and family who has stuck with me through this yet all I can focus on is how can I sneak that bottle into the house? WHY? This disease is pure paralysis and I hate that I have it. I am so hurt, ashamed, scared, and afraid of myself at this point. I am simply typing this to get it off my chest. It is purely a rant.
Bless all of you and get through this day. Live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Be present in today and stay strong.
Thanks,
TF