How scary! I am glad you are ok. It sounds like you are at a turning point. You can go back, or you can go forward. But as the admins are happy to tell you - as am I, it's worthless without a plan. Put one in place now while you can. Make a plan to get to a meeting if possible, or just find another ex drinker to talk to. Get through this day. You can. If you want. I hate to tell people to dwell on the bad, but sometimes it helps at a pivotal point. So I suggest when you think of drinking, you remember the ambulance and coming out of your seizure. How awful it felt. I'm sure you have other drunken experience you can pull from to remember that this never ends very well. I am hoping for you.