Congratulations Rachel - a year sober after 18 years drinking is remarkable!
All good advice about finding treatment for what sounds like clinical depression, but you need to get through today. Try to think of something that has given you great joy in the past - a walk near water, a visit to a spa - whatever has made you feel special and inspired - then treat yourself to doing that today. So many long timers on here consider their sobriety to be the greatest gift on life, so you are so close to that. Hang in there 💪