Bunny, thank you for such raw honesties. I also grapple with thoughts that would be consider vile by others, as well as thoughts of self harm and suicide. Is like dirty little secret we not suppose to speak about, but almost all damaged addicts, compulsives and/or depressives I know think about this ALL THE TIME.
I think when you is brutalized/violated at young age, even though it total heinous, it so intense (stimulating in horrific way) that it become wired in you, and you maybe is wired to and seek out this hyper-deranged stimulation for rest of you life, even though you know it unhealthy and demoralizing.
How this get undone, I not know. I struggling my self.