Compulsive thinking, behavior. Cow asked me about it, you dear thing, and I was evasive.
I chew on things that eat me up. I get a thrill not so much from physical danger (with a nod to extreme sports, Dee), but humiliation and degeneracy. Let’s face it, it’s the truth. There’s something in me that’s really nasty—maybe I liked it too much when my father gave me a spanking.
Whatever, it’s been there a long, long time. It was in the way I drank and used. I didn’t start civilized– I liked hard liquor straight from the bottle from when I was a kid, all by myself, and buying street drugs, and taking things I didn’t know their names, and screwing people who were lowdown strangers. I used alcohol as part of looking for trouble – maybe in the beginning it was partly a way to make trouble seem easy, but mostly it was an excuse to keep finding it.
So I’m a trouble-maker. But I’m also slightly co-dependent. So I end up getting off on making trouble mostly for myself. What can I do that will most likely make me miserable?
I’ve got myself in a thing now where I’ve dredged up a little motivation to live by planning to do something pretty vile in the near future. I mean, maybe it’s not that vile. I suppose it depends on whom you ask. If I made a movie, it would appeal only to a very specialized audience LOL.
So then we get to self-loathing. Because of all that nonsense w/the 12 steps and stuff, I now associate drinking with immorality. And planning to behave badly, stone cold sober, turns my mind to drinking. And thinking to drink, turns me pretty quick to thinking of suicide, because drink is the death of me, so might as well take the shortcut.
Suicide not today, but it seems inevitable eventually. Which doesn’t seem that bad a deal, if I can just choose the time & means sensibly instead of out of insanity.
Maybe it's a bad sign that I honestly am not sure now if this way of thinking is a problem. Does it seem like a problem to you all? Cow?
So, who’s your favorite suicide?
Or, back to borscht!