Hey there, MagdaM -
You're not crazy. You're using a method of coping that has worked for you in the past. It's not a particularly healthy method, no, and I do believe you should work to stop doing it... but I do understand how cutting helps. I have plenty of scars myself; I too started long before I ever started abusing alcohol - when I was nine years old.
The fact of the matter is that it's an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had a hard time stopping it, too; to this day, the urges still come on, when I'm feeling down or angry. I have chosen to put my "cutting tools" out of my reach, particularly during down times. If I don't have them around, I don't cut, and the urge inevitably passes. I have felt less and less like cutting as I've pursued other ways of coping - talk therapy, physical exercise, volunteer work, interacting with friends (on the phone, in person, or here)... anything, really, to stop myself from doing it. While I say that it's an unhealthy thing to do, I also want to emphasize that it does work to relieve pain (something non-cutters have have a hard time believing)... so I truly do understand where you're coming from. You should try to have other ways of dealing with mental and emotional pain in place, just as you have methods in place to stop yourself from using your drug of choice. It's not too different from stopping drinking/using - the same sets of rules can be made to apply. Your friends don't like to see it because it hurts them to see you hurt yourself... and it makes them feel helpless to do anything for you. It's a natural response on the part of those who love you.
Cutting, like using, is something that is being done to mask/avoid/deal with improperly something inside of you. Whatever that is needs to be faced; I think talk therapy might be helpful in digging that out and in learning how to face it and, more importantly, get through it... so that you can stop burying the pain with blood and drugs and/or alcohol. So that you can truly live and be free. My heart goes out to you; I know it isn't an easy path. You're more than welcome to write to me if you want to talk.
I know my post is a bit rambling... but I wanted you to know that I empathize.
take care of you.
--anne