My epiphany...
So last night I had this funny epiphany. I was thinking about how long it's taking me to get back up on my feet...it was then that I came to The realization that I have NEVER actually BEEN ON MY FEET.
My mind was blown because I realized that every moment I've lived after college when drinking career started, has not been really truly living. that time. Now it's about relearning everything they throwing out the old ways of thinking/existing.
The other reason I was able to look at my life and see that I haven't truly been living, is the the new job that I've obtained in my very recent sobriety. I'm very fortunate that one of my best friends from childhood has offered me a job working in her music studio which she built from the ground up.
Every day when I go to work now, I get to hear music played by students who range from beginners to advanced virtuosos/prodigies. My job is just being a receptionist and helping to learn to expand the business, but it feels good to be in the midst of people who are harnessing their energy into something they have a passion for. It makes me feel intimidated in a way and bad that I've been so lazy with my talents, but also inspired. I said again to myself yesterday, "so this is what people really do who are living, they go get things they want and do things they want they don't just sleep in bed until 3 o'clock in the afternoon after drinking everything in sight or come up with excuses not to learn new things."
Going hand-in-hand with drinking, I've always wondered if maybe I was just a really lazy person with zero work ethic, who just is content being a slug. I struggled/still struggle in my mind to determine whether it was laziness or fear…Has extreme fear of failure that stopped me from going out taking a risk and following my dreams. Drinking is just another way to put off thinking about these things and taking action. It allowed me to not have to think about what it really means to live. Now I'm not in my comfort zone and I'm forced to think about it without my numbing agent/crutch and it can be scary as hell, but it seems like it is going to be well worth it, if I can stay the course.
I'm really rambling on... Ha