Thank you all who have commented. Yes, it is so so scary....
I think I remember reading about AVRT before a bit. Sometimes when I want to quit I say "I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind" well - I try to say it - depending on how strong the addiction is, I usually never get halfway through the sentence. It's like a gauge of how strong this voice is - doesn't want me to even say it!!! It trembles in fear. This is crazy. I start to get all uncertain, when I try to say that....like.....never?? REALLY??!?!? But but but, what about some time in the future...... ugh. That is my AV, right? I should read up more on this.
Thank you for the links, soberwolf. I'm checking them out now.
Thanks Dee. I have to remember that even if I had that one last time, that it probably wouldn't be one last time. I've done this so many times before, I should know by now.... Even if I had an "incredible" one last drink, then what? Why would I not want to just do that the next day, too? What would be different? It's like my AV is trying to trick me into one last time, every time. Tricky sneaky devil lol.
I have to remember all the things I did last time I quit for almost 5 months (4 months if you don't count being in hospital pumped with drugs). I was on a roll until the hospital times (not really related to drinking). I had so many skills and things in my bag. My metaphorical magical bag like Hermione had in HP. I kept whipping things out whenever I had a craving. Sometimes certain kinds od self talk, or images to keep in mind, things to do, people to talk to, places to go, etc. I need to remember all these things and gather them all into my bag again. I'm in the process of doing that now.
Ok I shall stop rambling. I ramble a lot. I'm supposed to be putting this rambling talk into use by writing my stories that are so very close to my heart. I have been putting that off for so long because of my anxiety. But I just have to do it. So!
(Is there a writing emote??)