Layali

So, in these past two weeks, I decided that I was ready to quit. Or, rather, that I needed to quit. But I'm still in my addiction, and the voice of that is really strong. What is happening also, is that on the 29th I get money. Until then, I've been going a day or two thinking I've quit forever, to thinking "well I'll probably drink one last time on the 29th" and so...I'm finding it hard to hang on to my sobriety. It's like I want to quit for good, but another part of my mind is holding out for when I can actually go buy my last booze (until then, it's taking whatever kinds of drinks I can from roommates - they share within reason - but they don't know my issue - and yes I know I probably shouldn't even be living here but I have nowhere else right now....I should get that sorted I know)

Anyway, My thinking is all like, well if this is going to be one hell of a sh*tstorm to get out of, and once I'm out I'll know I can never go back, then.....I really really want to have that "one last time" before I come out of it.

This is so stupid. I know. But, it's like my mind just knows that on the 29th I can do this. And I hate having this hanging over my head....the urge to just drink then is so strong that I keep hearing a voice in my head as I write this post, saying "why are you even writing this?!? You know you're gonna drink...." so gah. This horrible.

When I DO finally decide that yeah, I'm quitting NOW, I do feel a sense of hope and freedom. But then in a day or two, the cravings will get bad and suddenly I've decided that nothing is worth it and yes, I do want to drink....or atleast, my thinking says if I'm drinking on the 29th, then no point in trying so hard to quit now just to ruin it later.

This is ridiculous. I just wrote a list of 39 reasons that drinking is &%#@ for me. And yet, the instant I'm done, my brain goes "yeah let's drink on the 29th it will be sooooo wonderful!" like, seriously brain? Is my AV really that stupid or ignorant?!

So....am I wasting my time posting here? Maybe. Because again, I feel like I'll drink on monday. But then occasionally a strong wave of cravings will abate for awhile, and I can say "no, I'm never drinking again" but gah, that passes too.....

I don't know. I just needed someone to talk to......someone to hear my struggle. Thanks.