Day 1, again. My alcoholic brain.
I had a period of sobriety of nearly 2 years.. relapsed last june. Been drinking off and on since then.
I want to stop again.
I do this thing where I think of all these scenarios where drinking is the way to fully enjoying life and if I don't I'm missing out - I'll be boring and bored... It's delusional.
Because nothing about this is glamourous and I almost exclusively drink alone.. or I drink with people and come home early to drink properly by myself. I make up these fantasies in my head about drinking casually with friends on a beach somewhere and convince myself that now's not the time to stop drinking until I experience that... THE ALCOHOLIC BRAIN. I'll be convincing myself of this while drinking alone in my bed, in yesterdays clothes. Waking up to a red wine soaked mattress. I haven't ever drank 'normally'. This is pure delusion..
First, I need to stop drinking again. Second, I need to find out whatever it is that makes me feel like nothing is ever enough and find some way to feel emotionally fulfilled in sobriety (I sure as hell haven't found it in the bottom of a bottle)