Let's gather up some stories of recovery timelines and methods. Experience, strength and hope. Sometimes hope seems far away with this Family Disease of Alcoholism, yet it often appears in unexpected ways.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease unless recovery is embraced -- meaning this both for the alcoholic and for the non-drinking family members. Many people on both sides of this disease die from it. Stress can cause just as many health issues than alcohol.
"High functioning" is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. Somehow I found that true for myself, also. The "high functioning" multi-tasking, get-anything-done non-drinking wife of a alcoholic, until eventually I no longer could manage anything in my life.
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My recovery timeline and methods --
(unknown amount of years -- much longer than I'd like to face up to. 20some?) Tried to adapt, work harder, work smarter, read about alcoholism, learn about the laws and possible health issues to try to educate my husband and "warn" him. He never wanted to end up like his dad. I couldn't imagine that happening and it never entered my mind, since that isn't at all who he was and our family has always been "too important to him" for that to happen.
Skip most of the slow progression. Frog in the slowly heating water syndrome. Neither of us could see what was happening.
About 14-15 years ago he tried jumping out of our car while drunk. He was upset with me for disrespecting his friend because I wanted to get the kids home and to bed because of school the next day. Thankfully (?!) he was wearing his seatbelt. (maybe if he'd jump and gotten hurt I would have faced reality sooner?) Two young children with us in the back seat. Our oldest stayed home. It was Superbowl Sunday and he already knew it was asking for trouble to go to this friend's house with Dad. There would be drinking. (....yet I couldn't figure out how to stop/control/change things... and I wasn't ready to give in yet!!)
There were many times it "wasn't bad", "wasn't often", and he'd cut back or quit completely for some small amounts of time. See? It wasn't a problem...
Joined SR in December 2004. I'm a slow learner. That's okay.
In the past 5-ish years (it's all run together and doesn't really matter now), there's been 2 life flights, multiple injuries and I've "saved his life" multiple times. I now look back on that as me getting in the way of him really getting help. "We" talked to doctors. "We" (me) kept having hope after each one that finally something would change. He would briefly (or not) quit drinking . Not in recovery (we had no idea what that was). When talking with doctors, we were told that if he continued drinking, it would cause major health problems or possibly kill him. Several said to try to cut back. Either no one said the words AA, Alanon (for me) or rehab centers, or we weren't listening. Likely a combination of both. No one really talked to us about it, but if it came up as a slight suggestion we didn't listen.
2+ years ago I went to my first Alanon meeting. Swore I was going to be there weekly. I knew I needed help. Totally focused on my husband getting help. Very rarely went back.
Things finally came to a head at work. December 2013 he went to rehab with the full support of his manager and the owner of the business. Stayed sober for a total of three months. I asked the owner of the business to please give him one more chance. He didn't want to, but did for me and the kids. Things were really progressing with the disease. My husband was hiding out and very scared, living in fear -- of the disease, of not drinking, etc.
It was very difficult to get through to him that he needed to go to rehab or he didn't have a job to be at. He didn't want to leave work, yet was no longer effective at his job at all. He had no concept of reality. Neither did I. I kept trying to do this all on my own, although at the time I thought I really had made progress in being open with other people and asking for help. Finally took him hostage (basically -- my interpretation of events now, with looking back on it) and got him into another treatment center. It was "his choice" that time, supposedly, with me coaching, cajoling, manipulating, controlling him in every way I could think of. I was working at letting go and letting God, so maybe in some ways I was, but I still couldn't step away and let him be on his own with his Higher Power. I thought I had to "be there" for him and "help" him.
I'm still very glad for family week at the second rehab, where all our older kids came. Planting seeds for possible family recovery. First rehab also had family week, which I went to. Both rehabs my husband didn't want anyone at family week. Part of the symptoms of the disease, with shame and wanting to self-isolate. That "I can do this alone" syndrome.
He was back to drinking soon after being back home and back to work. Nothing had changed. He lost his job, which was perhaps a relief for him, since he couldn't do it anymore, anyway. Guessing at that. No idea really. We also had to move out of our home where we had lived for 12 years. Downsized from about 4000 square feet to our 5th wheel camper and a large shed on some acreage we mortgage payments on.
1 1/2 years later, he's been through several jobs, some quite well paying, in cycles of being well-liked, doing great work, seemingly doing okay at work, to not being able to function and hold a job. Not sure how some ended. I've been working my own recovery program and didn't ask. Lying is a part of the disease. It's not personal, and if I ask certain questions, I'm pretty sure there will be a lie coming.
After trying absolutely everything else I could think of, finally DS9 and I have been working our Ala-teen/Al-anon recoveries for over a year. I've had a sponsor since last spring and am working the 12 steps, currently on Step 4.
No DUIs, but not that there couldn't have been. Rolled his vehicle last fall. Two weeks after being released from a week of mental health treatment. All learning experiences, progressions on the way to finding out all the ways that didn't work.
After that, my husband had in over 60 days of sobriety in AA, just went through a two week relapse, is currently sober and working the AA program and reaching out to members there who can help him. I cannot. I'm the last and worst person to try to help. The best way I have found to help is to work on my own recovery, to help others in Al-anon, and to become a whole person who can come to our family and our marriage healthy, one day at a time. The more I can lovingly detach with caring and compassion (all words that now look nothing like I used to think...), it seems like the better chance we have. If he decides to drink, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do that causes, can control or cure that.
I can decide to seek help for myself. In that, I'm finding life is fun, amazing, and has many opportunities for happiness, whether my husband (or any other family members) are drinking or not. I'm now seeing many wonderful choices in my life. One day at a time. Baby steps. This is a very counter-intuitive disease. I'm so very grateful for those who've walked this path and are leading my way.
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Our 9 year old son who is in Alakid/Alateen advises not do this to the alcoholic:
And not to do this to yourself:
