Thrown off balance
A friend bumped into stbxah a few weeks ago and he was telling her that he's not drinking so much now and not really hanging out with his old friends although I also know some of them have had babies, met new partners etc but that he also told her how he'd have to live the biggest mistake he's ever made leaving me and the kids for the rest of his life! I gotta say this threw me and it's caused a lot of anxiety or uncertainty or somethingthe last few weeks. I don't really know how I felt to be honest but it hit me today I would never go back!!
and I've neglected my own recovery recently starting to feel more anxious trying to control and force things rather than letting things go and allowing things to develop naturally, but I guess living that way f ro so many years it will take more than 2 years to let go of my need to control and fix everything and have everything the way I THINK it needs to be.
dd and I were talking during the week and she brought up her dad, she said how he's hardly drinking anymore, he's looking after his mum who isn't well and he's wanting to spend more time with them. She said how he's watching all the programmes we use to watch as a family and saying do you remember when we use to all watch this. She told me she thinks he regrets his decision. How he has told her he was in a bad place.
I didn't get into it with dd about the bad place he was in or the other bad places he had been in throughout our marriage, I didn't think see it was me that caused him to drink it was my fault, I felt peaceful and glad that maybe he wasn't drinking so much and that maybe he could start or was trying to rebuild his relationship with the kids, I was happy for them if in fact he was trying. I let it go this is her relationship with her dad and has nothing to do with me unless she is upset or he does something to hurt her. DS will visit maybe once a week for a couple of hours and that's really it.
Maybe it's the divorce and he's playing the good guy or maybe he is genuine and is trying to make it up to the kids but that's not my business unless as I said he hurts them or let's them down then all I can do is support them.
Still a work in progress I guess, I've let go of stbxah but maybe not of my need to control things especially when I think people are rejecting me or of my need to make everything ok for everyone. I still feel at times I can fix everything and I've noticed this is particularly recently.
Don't know if this makes a lot of sense, just more ramblings.