I love this conversation! And I love all of you. There is so much to learn, and I so much appreciate everyone's experiences and thoughts.
In retrospect, one of the biggest "non-alcoholism" red flags at the beginning of my relationship with STBXAH (who was sober and in recovery at the time) was a series of comments he made that went straight to the heart of what Refiner said above. It was clear that he subscribed to the entire "we make each other whole" and "you are responsible for at least some of my happiness" stuff. I am glad to say that I am not even remotely interested in that dynamic in my life anymore.
I'm being very, very gentle with myself on all of this. I have met someone nice, who treats me very well, and we are taking things very slowly (an approach that is aided by the fact that he lives 90 miles away). And even though he has never...not once...given me any reason to doubt his words and actions (and amazingly, his actions are consistent with his words, which is totally new for me), there is still a really big part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Part of it is, I think, a healthy skepticism and heightened relationship radar after what I've gone through. But I also don't want to get bogged down in unhealthy patterns of doubt and mistrust for the rest of my life. For right now, it's just something I'm trying to stay self-aware about. I still have a lot of healing to do, and my recovery work will last for the rest of my life.