Hi Aeryn, Just wanted to say that I identify with your struggle. I conceived with a donor this year after a year and a half of trying and a heartbreaking miscarriage. And I, too, spent a lot of time on bad relationships before going this route. I try not to think of it as wasted time, though. There were things I needed to figure out in this life, and I like to think I am a stronger person for having gone through the lessons those addict exes taught me.
I think I've mentioned this on one of your threads at some point, but there is an organization called Single Mothers By Choice that offers support for women choosing to become single mothers. Most of them are women trying to conceive with a donor, but some are also working toward adoption. They have online forums where people discuss all sorts of relevant issues, and they also offer contact people in your area if there are any. I've seen a lot of women struggle with the donor egg question. In my observation, people grieve the idea of having a biologically related child but in the end are so happy to get pregnant that it becomes a non-issue. The money is, of course, a separate issue, and I'm sure you will think through whether your budget can accommodate the costs of various routes as well as the costs of raising a child. It's so heartbreaking when costs become prohibitive, but you'd definitely find people who identify on the SMC forums.
One last thought is just to keep in mind that family comes in many forms. I really identify with your feelings on this because my parents have both passed away and I'm not very close to my two siblings, but always remember that there are many ways to have satisfying, life-long relationships and many ways to have children in your life. I know that probably sounds like cold comfort. I resented it a little when people said that to me after my miscarriage. But in the end, it sounds like you've made a lot of progress in your recovery since leaving your ex and I think you will find a way to lead an emotionally satisfying personal life. Hugs!