Today I am sad...............
and I don't know why.......... well maybe I do - Had a wonderful weekend- my son and fiance came in from Baltimore and my other son and we spent all weekend together. We laughed - we ate good food- we spent time with their friends they grew up with who love me.....we played darts - we played Top Golf- we visited my child hood best friend and went out to lunch and then she made me a cake and had a hat and birthday glasses for me to wear! They all gave me presents - it truly could not have been a better weekend. Then why am I sad? My son left today- my other son is still here - lives with me for the next few months. Yesterday I had a long talk with son #1a - and told him I was insecure feeling now - getting older - 52 - looking older - very very insecure about that - I don't know if it brings back childhood memories of when I was teased as a redhead- or AH making me feel bad about myself - but I am letting it ruin me. I don't want my picture taken- I look saggy- I don't want to be around people- I am ashamed of the way I look - I know that sounds childish but I have to tell someone my truth. AH wanted a beautiful woman - he was very good looking- until alcohol took hold but he still thinks he has it going on - I could hold my own but it wasn't me - I got my nails done - stayed thin- did stuff for him I was not comfortable with in the bedroom- all because I thought it would be enough to make him stop the pot and the drinking - of course it wasn't and he is gone and I am left taking care of the house and all. I know it is best for me - I know that but I am sad - I am lonely - then I feel guilty because I have such good kids and friends - I feel jealous my friends have money - their husbands do well- I support myself in real estate which is no easy gig - but I did well this last year and now it just seems I feel so bad about myself I can't move forward with this year- I have to or no money comes in and I have no savings and no parents. I know this is a pity party and I am sorry- I just need to vent- here it is my birthday and I am crying - feeling sorry for myself. I know if AH was here it would be the same - he is a bigger mess than ever- living with parents - drinking - not working- I need to get a hold of myself - I am aging - I look old and tired - so what - I have survived this and raised 2 kids and got them thru college myself and they respect and adore me and tell me I am so strong and wonderful I don't feel it . I feel pathetic and sad and just fu%k it.
God I hate myself sometimes.