What now?
Hello,
This is the first time I am posting here. Thank your for taking time to read my story. I appreciate it.
After 1,5 yr long relationship I realized that my boyfriend might have drug/alcohol related problem. The first time he relapsed was, I believed that it was one-time thing caused by excessive stress from few directions. The binge took approximately month and included 20 mg! of Xanax and amounts of alcohol/day.
As I have no experience with drugs I believed this will never repeat. Although 20 mg of Xanax probably should have ring a bell that this is not first time using the pills.
Anyway, at that time he quit cold turkey and all was seemingly ok. Within 2 months I sensed he is changing. He was kind of manic and I feared he will relapse again. He broke up with me and told me he wants to move to different country - I agreed and I felt trapped. I was sad but I was also hoping that he finds new job and moves asap as I didn't want to witness another relapse.
Unfortunately this didn't happen. My bf went for a binge that took perhaps week where he spent few thousands euro. He overdosed several times (i.e.15g of cocaine and other drugs in 1 day) , had panic attacks, threatened to kill himself. All of it.
He forced himself into psych ward. Sometimes I wasn't sure if the reason was to play "victim" and have prescription pills coming for free. On the other had I could see him as a hurt child screaming for attention and help. It hurt me so deeply to see him in such pain. Terrible images.
It took only 1 month to relapse again. This time I lost it and he lived as homeless for a month. He came back clean. We both just cried and I let him back in my life.
He recently found a very good and we'll paid job in his home country (Ireland). This meant we needed to separate at least for a while. It felt right. I was happy he was leaving alive and with hopes to get back on track and fix his relationships. I also felt I needed some time for me.
Anyway, right after he left, he seemed to be in his natural "high" (he might be bipolar). Told me how great people back home are, etc. I felt like he didn't appreciate my help in past months. He also asked for more time apart?! So I broke up with him.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
I have so many mixed feelings. But I am aware I could have left him 8 months ago. I take it as an experience, but it does hurt quite a lot.
Mostly I am sad that I can't have him even as a friend after 2 years together and after all we went through. He was manipulative, mean at times and he did break my trust.
Thank you for reading x