(((Cow))). I think this is why AVRT works for me. You can't make rational of the irrational but you can abort the acting out. Consuming toxic substances to alter your mood is to your detriment, the "good" result is very short-lived and always kicks you into the hole with either rebound depressions or self treating with a dip into toxic liquids.
Maybe it is time go inpatient for a significant period of time. Give your body a good rest. Your brain can't take these continued assaults with toxins. I don't want you to die.
I assume you don't keep caffeine or alcohol in the house. So, you had to go out to fetch them. So you did have time to come here first. And yes, I have done the Zombie Walk to get wine. I know about the arguing and attempts to reason with the addictive voice. Bottom line: I wanted to drink. That was my solution to whatever was on the menu of excuses. For me, it was mostly insomnia. For you, it's relief. But the joke is on us as we didn't get relief! Our bodies suffered and our brain's chemistry got more screwed up.
I wish I could write this better. I think your Poppa should pay for all the expenses involved. I am sure he will. He knows why.
Please, continuing on like this is irrational. And I know to those of us with addictions, stopping them is equally irrational in the moment. So, please try the irrational behavior that's going to be better for you.
Much love from Lenina