Cellardweller

Hi Everybody,

I've been lurking around SR for a little while, reading people's stories and thinking about my own life. I see a lot of myself in the things they've written.

I started drinking when I was 21. I didn't party before that, but found booze shortly after. My brother was in a frat, so when I went home on break from university, I would go out with him and his friends. Long story short, I did the usual "just found alcohol, binge/blackout/etc.. have a laugh about it the next day" sort of thing.

When I wasn't with him, I might have a beer or two now and then. Things began to escalate as the years went on, but nothing really serious as far as consequences were concerned. Just hangovers and regrets about things I might've said or done to make myself look like an ass.

Fast forward to the last few years (I'm 30 now) and things have taken a turn for the worse. I was in a job that I hated (but was fantastic honestly, I excelled and had respect from company owners and coworkers) in a field making my drug of choice. I was always on call and didn't have a lot of help; 24/7 on the clock, salary. Access to free/unlimited alcohol. I wanted to be somewhere else, felt isolated, and for some reason hated everyone. So I drank. Not a case or anything, but enough to get really tipsy and usually pass out. Wake up, feel like crap, can't wait to start again. Some mornings a drink or two before going in to smooth it all out.

Come to realize it now, I think I hated something about myself. In any case, something was not right.

After all the drinking and REALLY stupid things I was doing, I decided that I had to go. So, I moved away. Things were pretty good for a while, then spiked again. Problems with my "dream job", a break-up, and then living out of my car made it easy to hit the booze again.

Then I found a new place to live, work is sort of turning around-ish...and being single has let me focus on athletics again. I didn't drink for about a month, which was an accomplishment given that my work revolves around alcohol. I dropped weight, felt really good, but felt something missing.

One hangover...I hate the damn hangovers. So I drank a little bit to take the edge off...then more drinking. About a week or so of always having something in my system. Yuck.

So, here I am. I want to say that I don't have a problem, but I'm not sure. It's strange to think that I'm always thinking about what I can do instead of go to the bar or hang out at work. That I should leave right away after I'm wrapped up. That it's difficult, when there's nothing else to do and I'm alone, to not stop in at one of the bars in town and say hello to my acquaintances the bartenders. One usually leads to tipsy/very tipsy/sometimes far beyond. I can keep up appearances very well I'm told.

I'm really going to give it a go. I feel like I've lost a lot of time to alcohol and now need to dig for why I feel like I need to drink; what I'm trying to smudge over or blot out.

So, on Day #2 again. Stuffed my face with veggies and will be taking a melatonin pill/vitimin to get off to sleep. 8pm bedtime.

All the best.