Welcome audiokat - you found a great place to talk things over.
For me, once it was in my system I never knew what the outcome would be. Drinking led me to some very dangerous places - caused me to say & do out-of-character things. It took me a long time to admit it, but the only way to stay safe was to stop letting it rule my world. I couldn't touch a drop, ever. I'd proven that to myself many times. It was no longer fun, and never could be again. It feels so good to be free of it. You can do it!