Puzzled heart. Thank you for the help. I am about four days out from having to finally talk and act on these issues with my wife. I am hoping to just direct in using "I" sentences around our marriage. I don't even know if I'll bring up the addiction as it is a symptom of much more global problems. Basically my wife hates herself and can't deal with failure or life's stresses so she lives in a bubble of pot smoke. She can't even exercise without smoking pot before! That one always got me.
Anyway I am wanting to state I done with the marriage as is. I think she is too as she said she was unhappy with me because I am boring and shut down. You bet I am shut down because her partying and my fear about what is happening around me have hijacked my wife. I only seeing leaving as a way out as she was sober for a year then on day just started smoking again. Also she did a 12k$ retreat for pot addiction and threw that away. When I was in the hospital and she though I was dying she even swore that she would quit. But didn't. I never brought that up again as I feel manipulated. I really think the core problem I have is being with someone who hates themselves so much despite all of the selfishness. There is no true self care or self love and now in trying to inspire that in her over and over. .... I've lost my way too. I was it back so badly and now see her as a major problem in this quest. Weirdly I became very lost when she was sober because I felt I could not leave her alone and still had to always prop her up participating in her negative gossip about other people. That is a super toxic element of our relationship.
I am so tired of this mess and so afraid to talk to her about how my marriage has failed me.