Mike hit it on the head--
Just tonight we made "peirogies" for dinner for the first time ever, and I remembered the first time I tried them back in college with my XAH (at the time, my sweet endearing world-full-of-promises boyfriend). That was one of the best summers of my life, living on campus and riding bikes together all over town. I shared the story with my boys and told them how dad introduced me to peirogies. I was glad for their smiles and interest at the dad that once was.
Do I ever want to speak to dad again? No way. But the memories of the good times have grown fond--maybe a little wistful for what I couldn't have with him--but not cry-worthy anymore. They're just part of the tapestry of my life.
Trust me, it WILL get better. I wondered if I'd ever be able to speak fondly and casually of the past with their dad.
You're still being hammered with all of the negative memories too--some still surfacing as you're emerging from it all...and you're in exactly the right spot, as horrible as that sounds.
Sending you warmest hugs tonight.
And extra prayers.