My oldest found the camcorder and wanted to watch old movies of when she was a baby/younger. Some had my ex in the videos and now I'm bawling like a baby. Seriously. Wtf?! I guess it's true that home videos only catch the good-not the seriously bad. But damn-we were happy (or was it just denial of the biggest proportions?) no-we were happy. It was right there in my face. I almost caught myself thinking-wtf happened to him after his dad died that he turned into a monster?! Then I realized in had seen that person many times before-and my ex kept him under wraps but any time something big happemed-hospital stay, work, me, kids, it just fell apart. Alcoholism took him and no matter what he's done to me and my kids, im still so damned angry. He used to make me feel so safe-so taken care of. The farther he fell the more I pushed back. I kept pushing back. Wtf. That's all I have tonight. Knee deep in crap right now and not what I needed to see trying to process certain things.
