First of all- I am so sorry that you're both going through this. A thank you to your husband (and anyone else in emergency services) for doing what he does. My fiance is a doctor and know that some of the things seem can be difficult to come to terms with.
I am so glad your husband is getting help. I do think you could do with some support too. It sounds like a very difficult time. I've just started going to Al-Anon (I went to my second meeting last night) and I only wish I had gone a long time ago. I'm thinking about ME for a change. I may have only been to a couple of meetings so far but what I have talked about and read has helped a great deal, I'm already finding ways to deal with things and trying to put things in to practice to help me which will then hopefully in turn help the alcoholics in my life (my parents in my case).
I understand where you're coming from when you say you don't want to put any more thought in to this than you are already. As I said earlier, my fiance is a doctor, highly educated, intelligent. I, myself, have a good job and what seems to be the perfect life to the outsider. I kept all of this a secret for such a long time out of shame, anger, some guilt in thrown in too. I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted my life to be normal. If I pretended everything was normal then it was and things would be OK.
That didn't work.
My parents still drink. I have spent years not sleeping, worrying, trying to make everything right and not putting myself first. It's time to realise that what has happened has effected me. There's no shame in that. Anyone can be an alcoholic for many reasons.
"Why do I feel this way?"- I feel you need to do something for yourself to find those answers. Maybe it isn't something someone can tell you but some support for you might be just what you need to find those answers within yourself. Maybe you need the support now so all these feelings aren't being locked up inside and left to build for a long time.
I'm sending healing thoughts to both your husband and you.
Take care of yourself.