Wisconsin

So it has been over five months since I moved out. Overall, I am doing very well. Part of the reason for that is the fact that STBXAH worked out of town for one of the last two years we were together. I was able to do a certain amount of grieving for the relationship for many months before I ever even moved out. That said, I have come to appreciate that there are just some things that require the time, space, and distance of separate residences before I can really work through. I also know that I will be working through some of the aftermath of the emotional abuse for YEARS. I am not expecting perfection from myself during recovery.

Last night was Tuesday, which is usually my evening to hang out with my new gentleman friend. Our time together is very laid back and low-pressure. He is exceedingly kind to me, and easy to talk to and be around. He is aware, in general terms, that there was some pretty awful emotional abuse in my marriage. I have not talked much at all about specific incidents with him, and he has never pushed me to talk about anything.

For some reason, I was just having a hard time yesterday. Nothing really triggered it that I can identify. STBXAH and I hadn't really had any unusual contact. There had not been a fight, or even an episode of him trying to be extra nice. But I was sitting next to my new friend (not talking--just being), and I was just overwhelmed by memories of some of the truly abusive and hurtful things that STBXAH said and did to me over the years. And ugh...I started to cry a little. It wasn't the full-on ugly cry, but I was totally in tears. My friend was, as usual, very kind and comforting. He did not minimize my feeling of upset. He knew that my reaction had nothing to do with him. He was just THERE, and I was able to settle down fairly quickly and regain my composure. And another sign that I've made a lot of progress? I was only minimally embarrassed by the whole thing. I allowed myself to feel the feelings, I was able to identify and explain where they were coming from, without feeling obligated to go into all the gory details to attempt to justify my feelings (I did that a lot with STBXAH, because I always felt like my feelings on their own were never enough--he would minimize them and make fun of me for feeling a certain way, so of course I would try to explain explain explain to get him to "understand," which he was incapable of doing anyway).

So it was hard, and sad, but also really meaningful for me. This is really the first person outside of my recovery circle of friends that I've been comfortable enough with to show some raw emotions about what happened, and not have total fear that I will be made fun of, or rejected, or whatever. My recovery makes me feel a little braver every day. About who I am, what I've been through, how I contributed to it, and how I will not allow that crap to define me.