Wow. I read through this entire thread, and had no idea how many family folk are struggling through this... Holy smokes. In the midst of writing this, violence between my alcoholic parents while I was a child flashed through my mind. The memories are so vivid. The yelling, striking, drunk driving accidents while I was in the car. My parents are in their late 70's and barely able to pay rent with no retirement funds or health insurance. I help them out most of the time.
I've never been violent the way my father was toward us, and reinforces how much alcohol can affect a family negatively. I'm almost 40, and feel like a kid as I ran away and raised myself. I have been turned down on so many dates lately because of my drinking. My prior relationship was alcohol driven, and I vowed to quit for at least a month. We were going to do it together, then she fell off the wagon after a few days and told me I would never be able to get through a month. That gave me impetus to complete the month, and it was difficult, as she would always bring wine to share, and I'd refuse. I got through the month, left her, and the next day she slept with someone else. I hit the bottle again and have been stagnating since. The main reason (among others) I left was the drinking, yet I chose to drink through the aftermath? It doesn't make sense. I since took 18 days off, then had a bad date that made me feel worthless and relapsed.
If I want to be with an awesome, healthy person, I have to take care of myself first. I thought it wouldn't be too difficult here in CO as most everyone is an athlete, but found myself in the social outskirts doing the wrong thing. It scares me that I may end up in a position whereby I relapse with a wife and kids. I can only imagine how difficult that would be. Rewinding my childhood, my injuries, my unhealthy lifestyle, and lack of motivation in general makes me re-evaluate what's important in life, and my future. I know exactly what I need to remove from my life in order to be a solid person. I've been messing it up, blaming circumstances, parents, etc., but I can't change the past.
I am starting a new beginning again. I must, unless I want to die an excruciating death alone. I also feel I need to abstain from pursuing a relationship while I am detoxing. That always seems to be my trigger.