Hangn, HH and her husband are already divorcing. This is not a situation where she is trying to decide whether she should stay in the relationship. I do agree with you that in some situations, we need to at the very least keep our antennae up when we are still IN the relationship and avoid just swallowing the BS hook, line, and sinker. But there is a definite line between being aware of what is going on, and going through someone's email and text messages without their consent. You don't have to snoop or spy on someone to know you're being lied to. I would suggest that if a relationship is at a place where one or both parties feel the need to do that (or that they have a RIGHT to do that), the relationship is probably very unhealthy already. It is also my belief that those of us who were pathological snoopers lived under the illusion that if we found "proof," it would finally be what we needed to leave. But most of us DIDN'T leave, which to me demonstrates that the "proof" didn't mean anything at all. If it did, we all would have walked out the door the very second we found the very first instance of "proof" that we were being cheated on, or lied to, or whatever. The fact that most of us do NOTHING with all the proof we amass during our snooping to me says that it was never about finding proof of anything in the first place. And I CERTAINLY never convinced my STBXAH to acknowledge that I was "right" about anything by confronting him with whatever proof I found. And when he accused me of violating his privacy by snooping? He was absolutely right. I WAS violating his privacy. Yes, he was hiding things from me. But I knew that without snooping. It took me a full 18 months to actually leave after I stopped snooping. Because the snooping and the leaving had nothing to do with one another.
That is why I believe snooping is very much a symptom of the need to control. I am glad that I have come to a place in my life where I can identify a desire to snoop as something dysfunctional that serves no real purpose in my life, and that I can acknowledge that if a relationship leaves me wanting to snoop all the time, there is either something still very wrong with ME that requires reflection and recovery work, and/or something very wrong with the relationship.
And then there's the fact that if someone were to raise the issue in court that the other party in a divorce is snooping/stalking/spying, judges often do NOT like that, and it hurts the snooper's credibility. That's not something I would want to risk in a divorce from an addict when minor children are involved. I would want to make damn sure I had as much credibility as possible while I'm trying to make sure my kids had every protection they need.
Just my opinion. As always, YMMV.