Hugs! I think that as much as I blame xAH for making me crazy at times (or the alcoholism and abuse that is) I made myself crazy with snooping and trying to predict the trouble he was creating for himself and our family... Knowing what he was up to never eased the chaos he created...
But I would be lying to say I hadn't done it too-- Is there a friend you can call when you are inclined to check up on him? Or a therapist you could talk to?
I found that owning up to it with my therapist like 3 years ago and being able to talk through how dysfunctional it was, was all it took to bring it to an end... But it was a hard habit to break...
And my snooping was things like checking his hiding spots for booze, looking in his car, scouring our joint bank statements for suspicious purchases etc....