Latest update...
Day 5:
This is a bit long-winded but I wanted to get everything out I could think of. Ugh, so it wasn't the greatest weekend for me emotionally, but I have managed to stay sober, with no cravings really and for that I'm grateful. The main issue has been that I've been completely isolated from my friends and 'so-called' boyfriend, who's has been ignoring me after a disagreement where and he cannot admit that he was in the wrong. Luckily I was able to be connected to all of you on SR throughout the weekend and I believe that was my saving grace.
I have been exercising in the apartment complex gym regularly now and today I went for a walk in the park by myself, after inviting a girlfriend who didn't respond and my boyfriend who is still ignoring me. I was having some emotional turmoil when I was walking; it was hard to see all of the couples and families happily strolling along, while I was feeling so alone. I have a tendency to think in terms of always and never not realize this is just a moment in time, and it's not going to stay the same forever. I called my mom and we talked for hours, she's been my biggest supporter. She used to be my enabler but she's gotten to go into the Al-Anon program, so she knows how to better interact with her addict child. In fact I have booked a trip to go visit my parents in Florida from this Wednesday through next Thursday. It will be good for me to be in a safe place where I know I will not have any triggers, but I worry about FOMO on the weekend. My 'boyfriend' is going to see Bruce Springsteen Friday night with one of his girlfriends (this was the main reason for the fight, I told him that it was messed up that I didn't get an invite). His way of handling it was to turn it around on to me and say that I am too dramatic and impossible to please and to get mad at me for being mad. I have also been so wrapped up in myself that I didn't realize that this weekend is the stupid bowl. I know that I'm going to be thinking about him partying and drinking it up with his buddies while I'm sitting in my parents living room drinking diet soda.
I know that going away right now to a safe place is the best thing for me, but I can't help but think about these things that I know are going to be on my mind and I'm so angry that he hasn't contacted me and it doesn't look like it is going to contact me prior to my leaving. I haven't even had a chance to talk to him about my sobriety and that's what I really wanted to do. He told me that he was in the AA program a few years back and went to over 90 meetings in 90 days, so I know he understands what it's like to want to be sober and I think he would be supportive of my getting sober but he's not being a supportive boyfriend in any way shape or form at this time.
So in the meantime, while these things are bothering me a lot, I'm trying to just stay focused on me and work on what I need to do to get better. I still have to go to meetings and talk to my doctor. Right now my plan is to focus on getting ready for the trip since I'm taking my cat and that's going to be a lot of responsibility… It will ensure that I can't go drinking at the bar in the airport with the cat in tow. Ha when I return I plan to start going to meetings and start talking to my counselor regularly. I have already started to tell a lot of friends and family about my plans for sobriety and I feel like that's a good thing.
I have been exercising regularly and eating better. Unfortunately my joints have been aching (I guess at 37 and I'm starting to get arthritis) and yesterday I threw my back out somehow which I don't even know how. The pain was so excruciating that I could barely walk or move without my breath being taken away. I'm still in a lot of pain today but I'm trying to work through it.
I'm still not sleeping well either and of course the pain didn't help last night. I got into bed extremely early but I was still up until around three and then I can't wake up until around one in the afternoon since I'm unemployed. I want to get back on a normal schedule but it's proving to be difficult
Well I guess that's everything I can think of at this moment. I feel like such a whiny complainer today but it feels good to get it off my chest. I'm just glad that I have this support in place and I will keep you posted on any new developments.