Hi all,
So, I've been struggling for the last week or so and today it just was difficult. I'm going to vent a bit of it out here to get it out.
So my addict boyfriend (alcohol, crack, meth) has been in rehab in another state for a little more than 3 months now. He's doing well, working steps, going to meetings, living in a halfway, going to an outpatient program after a residential treatment for a month. This is the second time he's been to this particular rehab in as many years (and 4th attempt at rehab in total). Last year when he was in rehab he did well, stayed sober for the 6 full months of the treatment program. I was proud of him for making it that far, for sticking out the full 6 month program. And I was proud of myself for helping him stay there for that period instead of trying to get him home. He came home at the end of the program to the house, and relapsed within few weeks and after a few more relapses over the course of the year he had a really bad bender that went on for several days, in which he sold many of our (mostly my) electronics for crack and of course emptied his accounts and pulled every cent off his credit cards in cash advances.
So, like I said he's been in rehab and clean for 3 months. Good for him, he's doing well.I'm trying really hard to be patient and supportive. And yet I'm feeling like I've been abandoned in our life to which he never showed up.
I struggle because the logical part of my personality (which is usually dominant) is telling me that this is a lot to take on and I know I can find someone who can be more supportive and present. And the emotional part of me really likes spending time with him when he's around, when he can visit; when he's been in the house and sober and present he is a really great, funny, sweet, thoughtful, helpful and a ton of fun and we just "click."
I guess that's just the issue, I'm definitely an emotional person but I usually let my more logical, rational side make decisions. And in this case I'm letting my emotional side make the decision to stay and to see where this goes. It feels scary and difficult, to let the emotional "but I really want to" part make this decision. I can't legitimize it beyond "a gut feeling" which is a major leap of faith. I know I'm actively making this decision, I'm just saying it is hard to sit with sometimes. Being apart with no clear end in sight is hard, not being in one another's lives is hard, being able to organize and express my emotions is difficult. I try to communicate, I try to not be too obtrusive and let him take care of himself for a while, I try to be respectful, I try to express my feelings, I try to talk about things I'm experiencing, I try to ask questions, it's just a lot of trying and talking and not enough "doing." After going through all this a year ago, it feels all the more frustrating talking, so much talking and not so much acting. Of course I am seeing a counselor through all this to help, and I have friends and family here, but it doesn't make it easy just easier.
Anyways, I just needed to vent that out there a bit. Anyone have any thoughts, sympathy, empathy, harsh words, questions, comments, snide remarks?
Have a good evening!