findingme26

It's been quite a week over here. My poor son (8) has been sick with a cough all week. Which means none of us are able to get any sleep! I have to give him cold medicine and a breathing treatment every 4 hours and the humidifier is running non-stop all night. I can't take time away from work to get him to the doctor, so I'm just waiting for this weekend so we can head to the med-center.

Tuesday was my birthday, and I decided the best way to celebrate would be to go to my regular Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting. They have childcare and a really nice group of supportive women there. I started to feel a little pity party about spending my birthday alone, then reminded myself that just because my RAP isn't home right now, doesn't mean I'm alone. I have two amazing kiddos who were super excited to make me a cake with the babysitter Monday night, a family that celebrated me on Sunday, friends that connected with me over text and Facebook, and a healthy support group to go and spend the evening with. It was a nice day in all!

Last night was the meeting with RAP and her therapist that I have been nervous about all week. It was hard, emotionally, but actually really good overall. They are going to work on seeing if she can get an extension to stay in treatment longer. She was feeling torn about wanting to stay because she was worried that I really wanted her home. I was worried that she would be wanting to come home right away when I don't think it's a good idea right now. She said she was feeling relieved that I felt that way, but a little bit of rejection too that I don't want her home right now. She's worried that she might end up losing me. Honestly, there's a part of that that thinks "Good! You need to worry about that because it's a reality and a possible consequence of your behaviors." I just told her that neither one of us knows what's going to happen in the future. All I can say right now is that I love her and I am supportive of her recovery. And if we are going to try to salvage our marriage, we need to be sure to take things really, really slowly and do it the right and healthy way.

In all, I feel a lot better. Her therapist said that she thinks the AWOL incident last week was actually good for her because it seemed to be a turning point/breakthrough in some of the walls she has been keeping up. RAP said that this time feels different for her, like they are really digging deep and getting into issues she's always kept hidden before. No matter what happens with us, I really hope that she does get to a healthy place for herself if nothing else. I know it's a cliche for loved ones of addicts to say this, but I do still think there is an amazing person underneath all the addict BS that really deserves a chance to come out and live again.

So that's my update. Feeling hopeful both for RAP and for myself. I am proud that I stuck with my boundaries and wasn't met with much resistance. It feels like some good steps in the right direction.