I suppose when I was drinking I did not think about the responsibilities and necessities that adults must address to live healthy, independent lives. Sometimes I feel like my life is over because I am in a school program and I am just now realizing that although I love learning new things I do not like institutions and school. Being sober allows me to be honest and I can say I have always hated school.
Being this old and having never married kind of sucks. I did spend five years with a woman who was older but I was drunk and I hate that I have never been in a healthy relationship with a woman. The longer I am sober the more I reflect with clarity on the enormous mistakes I made and how I allowed my insecurities to influence my decisions. I just want to be self-sufficient and have a friend who may want to get married. Of course the relationship thing was bad. I just wanted someone to love me. It is funny I thought I would marry this person and she just cheated on me. Called me a spoiled bitch.
Something must be wrong with me because I cant win. For example, I just want to get laid. I never even did that. I guess I was too drunk. Maybe I will have to just study and focus and apply for jobs and quit trying to fill that empty hole inside with a relationship.
I quit drinking. I started a rigorous academic program. I thought I found my one true love. I am overwhelmed and I just want to feel excited about something again. When I was with my ex the world was beautiful. Without her I dont want to do anything. There is no purpose to anything.
Or maybe all this is paws and I just need to sit down and shut up and focus on sobriety.