To drink or to cry
That was the question and I don't even know whether I am posting in the right place. Today was harrowing and I have to write else I crack up. There is schizophrenia on both sides of my family, with both my daughter and my brother suffering From the mongrel. I just got stuck with alcoholism. My daughter has been in hospital for the past 8 weeks and my brother for about the last 3 months. My daughter has just been discharged and is doing really well but my brother is acutely ill and a tragedy to witness. There was a Tribunal hearing today within the hospital to determine Guardianship for my brother as he no longer has the capacity to make rational decisions about himself. The hearing was via video-link with doctors, other hospital staff, my siblings and my poor dear brother and the Guardianship Board all making decisions about Matthew. It was Kafkaesque in that all of his power was stripped away and when he went nuts about losing his autonomy it only made him look more nuts. Sorta like that existential novel The Trial. My brother looked broken and wounded, but there was no alternative than to have a Guardian appointed. It was awful beyond belief and at the end all I wanted to do was to have a drink. Then a thought cropped up in my head - will I drink or will I cry? I decided to cry and this had me know that I could no longer drink to dampen my feelings. So here I am. My head was spinning and all I could do was think about all of you around the world, all with same problem as me, alcoholism. All of your names were flashing through my head and it was like hands across the water and I felt so grateful to know you were out there egging me on to stay sober. My sister and I are now Guardian to my brother. I did not drink I cried and I thank you all because without you I know I would have wiped myself out. I am tired now so will close but for anyone out there believe me you will always be grateful for the fact that you faced life and did not try to find life in a bottle. No grammar check, too tired but I love you all. Thank you. You Rock. You are my rock at the moment SR. Your Aussie mate steely.