PuzzledHeart

THE STORY (feel free to skip since I've told a variation of this five million times on this board)

My mom has been hospice for almost a year, going way past her initial prognosis. My sister, who has been on and off the substance abuse train for twenty years, pretty much refuses to help my dad take care of my mom. Mom is angry that my sister broke her marriage up over a deadbeat pothead (and 7/8 years later, still is involved with him). Sister is angry that my mother won't accept the way she is - she's a non-academic, artistic "free spirit". She's angry at me because I did well academically and professionally and she's had to live under my shadow. Occasionally she'll swipe at me just for kicks.

She's also angry that my mom didn't pick up on the fact that we were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to be taking care of us, and that she was sexually abused by my sociopathic cousin when he was 12 and she was 11. I suspect he didn't go after me because even though I didn't know what was going on, I was begging my parents every fifteen seconds to kick him out because I thought he was a snake. My mom didn't want to because she wanted to help out HER sister who was just starting out in this country. My mom also had two jobs, days AND weekends, because she was so fearful of poverty that she did everything to make sure we stayed out of it.

Here's the thing - my sister never told her what happened. I think she's afraid my parents won't believe her - especially because she continued to be friends with him for a long time (he even stayed with her and her family for a bit.) She only stopped talking to him once it came out that he had physically abused his younger siblings and sent his girlfriend to the hospital.

And when I did tell my mom about our physical abuse under the hands of our nanny, she called me a liar and unbeknownst to me invited the woman to babysit her children. She told me I was making a big deal over nothing, because we deserved what we got. That it wasn't that bad. She tried to engineer reunions between all of us, which I wanted no part of. She said that I was cruel for shunning a woman who stayed with us for ten plus years. This woman would grab needles from the sewing kit and stab us with them - do you think I would want to rehash that?

And then several years later, she was in therapy and told her therapist the reason why she was a compulsive liar was because of this woman, because this woman would tell us over and over not to tell our parents how she treated us or else... She also blamed my parents for teaching her how to lie because they valued glossing things over. Who the hell knows where she stands?

THE CURRENT SITUATION
So ANYWAY, just a couple days ago, I was talking to a relative of mine who asked me if my sister was finally helping my mom. I said no, but I also said that my sister was very much in pain and was very overwhelmed, and that it was too much to expect anything from her right now.

It must have gotten back to her, because now she's liking EVERYTHING I post on FB. Maybe she thought I was opening the door a crack. Maybe she thinks I've given her my stamp of approval on the way she's behaving. I don't know.

I feel pity for her. I know in a lot of ways, she got the raw deal. I know that she wants approval from my parents. I know she wants validation. And she's so desperate for it she doesn't care where it's coming from, which is why she's with who's she's with. And her boyfriend is so doped up the gills all he has to do is smoke a joint whenever my sister unleashes her anger.

But I just can't muster anything positive to say to her. And I feel awful for feeling this way. I know what she endured was horrible, but the thought of saying "You're doing great! Thanks so much for reaching out to me!" turns my stomach. She does on occasion prepare a meal for my parents and drops it off once or twice a month, and they are delicious. But I can't even bear to send her that feedback. The judgmental part of me thinks that all I'm doing is getting sucked into the black hole of her ego. I resent the fact that my dad especially has to satisfy himself with her scraps of affection. It's so easy to thank other people for their efforts, but I can't do it with my sister.

I remember zoso suggesting in one of my earlier threads that perhaps I've reached the point of saturation. Maybe it's me who's overwhelmed with pain and so I can't even give my sister the bare minimum of acknowledgement and gratitude.

I don't know anything anymore. So what do I do?