Originally Posted by
eleven 
I have a doctor appointment on Friday and I am nervous. More blood tests will be needed for sure. Other stuff may be needed, also. I keep telling myself that I have accomplished great and astonishing things in the past month and I have nothing to be ashamed of for facing up to what must be done to move forward. I am so fearful of judgement - maybe even moreso than I am afraid of what I have done to my body. Ugh.
I remember nights when I would stare into the bottle and know it was hurting me, but also believing that it was the only thing that was keeping me from hurting myself. I actually did tell myself that if I ever did get sober that I would just have to accept that at the time, it was saving my life. That sounds so crazy to me now . . . but I do not know how/if I could have gotten here any other way.
Hi Eleven, I'm glad you're going to see a doctor. It's normal to be nervous but you need to know what the facts are and what you're dealing with. You may be over-worrying.
I went to see a doctor on Day 1 because I knew I would eventually kill myself with alcohol. I knew I had to be honest and it was so hard. It was hard to tell her how much I was drinking and what my history was. I was pretty emotional after the appointment because I had never admitted those things to anyone before.
My doctor was just great. She was professional and firm but also completely
non-judgmental. She didn't make me feel ashamed at all.
I'll never forget that she asked me if I was prepared to have my blood tests done right then or if I wanted to wait a week and do it at a follow-up appointment. I was so scared of how bad things were that I asked her to give me a week sober first. I already knew I had high liver function results from a medical check the year before. So I waited a week, and the results came back - unsurprisingly - elevated. But thankfully not extremely so. I am going back to have them done again in a few weeks and we will take it from there.
Even though the results weren't great, at least I know what I'm dealing with. And instead of judging me, my doctor gave me credit for doing something about it. Which is exactly what you did - you're more than 5 weeks sober!
Please don't be so hard on yourself and please give yourself due credit for the hard decision you took to stop and the decisions you have taken every day for the past 36 days to stay stopped!
I'm so sorry that you have had such dark moments in the past when drinking. The post you had here before describing how much you'd gained from sobriety was radiating with optimism and positivity so I hope you have moved far away from that darkness and are in a much better place.
Peace to you and be strong for your appointment on Friday!