I completely understand. I would say or do things when drinking that I would never in a million years say or do while sober.. And once I came to I would remember or be told about what I said/did and I would feel soooo ashamed guilty embarrassed horrified!!!! I used to black out pretty much every single time and not remember anything or remember bits and pieces... Which made it all seem like a dream. The worst thing for me was that the things I would say or do were completely out if character like not even things Im thinking or feeling... I would not be able to handle what happened and drown myself in alcohol.. A vicious cycle. Even now I remember some stuff I did while I was still thinking and I feel an overwhelming anxiety and shame and I tell myself Im sober now, as long as I dont pick up stuff like this will not happen again, yes I am ashamed and I wish lots of things hadnt happened but they did. I cant change the past but I can control what to do right now and thats staying away from drinking one day at a time.