Moving On...So Sad
Hi everyone -
Back in October, I finally left my AH. He is in denial and told everyone I am having a mid-life crisis. I stayed with some friends and am finally moving into my own apartment this weekend.
After close to 10 years of "one more chance", it is over. Ten years of pushing down the anger and hurt and sadness is over. I am starting to feel that all the emotions I have been not processing are coming to the surface. I am SO sad. I am heartbroken about the death of my marriage.
When I left, I withdrew from friends. He didn't. He's been going out, meeting people, and seems to be enjoying himself. He and I are still friendly (now that he is past the anger of me "treating him so terribly"), and he tells me that our friends tell him how they were so afraid to be around me because they never knew what would "set me off" and they're glad they don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.
I want to scream. I want to scream that it was not one bit of fun to have to look into those blank, drunk eyes every night. They have no idea what it was like to live with him. Yet they still prefer his company to mine. I am hurt and sad and angry and alone. People are telling me how lucky I am that there are not children involved. I left the person I slept next to for 18 years because my life was unmanageable, and I should feel lucky that I don't have children? I left my pets and my life. I walked out the door with my clothes because I could not live like that any more.
My heart is hurting. I am lonely. I am sad. I just want to lie in my bed and cry until the pain goes away. My friends were not really friends, and that hurts.
I am not sad that I left. I do not regret that choice. It is going to be hard and I think you guys on here know my pain better than anyone I know in real life. I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.
It is freeing to not be in the grip of panic right now, as it was for me for so long. I am starting to be able to breathe but it just hurts so much when something reminds me of the good times.
Realistically, I know this pain will go away with time, but I am in the midst of it now and that is no comfort to me tonight.