noinsanity2423

Hi everyone!

I'm back again after a long hiatus. I got really bogged down with the end of the semester, holidays, and some depression that I've been fighting. It's been almost 9 months since I left my alcoholic and abusive fiancé. I finally got around to writing more in my inventory, and I discovered something really interesting.
The crazy discovery I made was a memory that I had completely forgotten. It was a missing piece of a puzzle that appeared only when I started writing about the person. I discovered that my first codependent abusive relationship was actually to a childhood friend, and it started as early as I can remember (about 5). The abuse started probably when I was 8 or 9. Anyway, the pattern started with him, and I carried that same pattern into other unhealthy relationships, such as my ex and the person that introduced me to alcohol and the party lifestyle. I had a memory of my childhood friend ripping my hair and shoving me (causing me to break my wrist) when I was 12 or 13. I had completely forgotten about it. My mom said I told her that I fell, but I was clearly lying to cover for him. I lied for him on other occasions to keep him out of trouble and usually joined him in reckless behavior. He would also flip flop a lot like my ex in that he would be my best friend when we would hang out alone, but he also would humiliate me and make fun of me in front of my friends. He also made fun of my friends when they were introduced. Sometimes, he would hit me too hard when we were playing around, and he would keep doing it even if I asked him to stop. I'm not sure what was most damaging to me, but he also humiliated me sexually once when we were at his house at a sleepover in middle school.
Here, we have physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. The pattern repeated itself with my ex. It seems to me that everything starts somewhere, so that's what led me to accepting the unacceptable from someone who said they loved me yet acted the complete opposite.
At any rate, there has been no word from the ex, and things are progressing well with the new healthy one. She seems to respect my boundaries and fears about drinking, and she has no desire ever to get drunk lol. As for myself, I made it through the holidays, and my last drink was 4/30/2015.
I hope this encourages someone on step 4 to look really really far back and to realize that the relationship that got them into Al-Anon or the recovery program may not be the only toxic abusive one. It may just be the last stop on a journey of unhealthy ones.