Boundaries are limits you draw for yourself. What you can tolerate, live with.
You cant change other people - true
However, you can influence other people and especially those that love you, respect you and are in a relationship with you.
I found help with boundaries at Smart Recovery which is not a 12 step group. They say yes you can communicate your boundaries and it may be hepful to both you and your partner.
Especially I think its important for our partner to know you are feeling disreapected, or uncomfortable.
Id be careful making any declarations of action unless your sure your ready.
Influence is very important and Im learning now more about how we can use it in non manipulative ways to help my husband evaluate his current issues with substances, which may lead to his altering behavior or asking for help if he finds he cant.
Id suggest you look up the many different approaches family can use, and definetly go to smart and view the family stuff.
Originally Posted by
myangelleo 
I will admit I'm new here and have much to learn. I'm also quite new to the role of being a wife of an alcoholic. I've done a fair amount of reading on these forums and elsewhere, but know there's always more. I see it over and over again: you can't change your alcoholic loved one. All you can do is know your limits and set boundaries.
I have yet to come across concrete examples of boundaries. Is it something like: if x happens than I will remove my self from the situation? If things are the same by x, I'm leaving?
Are they things we communicate to the alcoholic spouse or are they more like personal guidelines?
I know all situations are a bit different, but could you share some examples that you have implemented?
Here is one that I think (?) might make sense. But I'm not sure if it's reasonable.
"I am your wife and deserve respect and shouldn't be lied to. When you hide bottles and your drinking, that is dishonesty. In these situations I will remove myself from the area, and if continued without actively seeking change, I will need some time and will leave." (By leave I mean take a break from the relationship. We live abroad and I would fly home to the U.S. and stay with family until ___ (things are better?)
I gather that the result shouldn't be that it's a manipulation tactic. But I also don't see (and haven't seen) any change if nothing is at stake. I'm not quite to the point of leaving him, I have a lot of hope. But it I can't change him, and I know that this life is not healthy or sustainable to me... ?