Dear Shanti, I am glad you are turning back your focus on your sobriety. Lots of us have had relapses and I don't think anyone here wouldn't understand that you posted while drinking. We do things while drinking that we ordinarily would not do. My only worry is you saying you will never drink again. Just try not to drink today. Forever is too big and heavy to carry around. Don't be hard on yourself. If strength and control were a contributing factor to sobriety then lots of people would not have addiction problems. I am pulling for you and send you hope and courage. John