You are all wonderful and I am so happy for those of you who are on your desired path.
I don't think I am ready for this. I think I'm going to start drinking again. There is just too much illness and trauma for me to deal with at the moment - I can't bear to lose my final security blanket. The one sanctuary I had. Aside from that, it's just people jumping down my throat, harassing me, forcing me to do things I don't want to do. Take medication, but don't take too much, go to hospital, don't drink, work, don't work, follow your heart, STOP following your heart...
I just want something that's just for me. Some space for the world to come back. I am the best judge of my own condition. I want to be able to do whatever I want. Then I can pick up the pieces later.
I'm just not sure abstinence is right for me. Thanks for all the kindness and advice. Maybe one day it will make more sense!