Beautifully written, Empath. Welcome to SR.
I felt the same when I came stumbling in here. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself & my actions. I was becoming reckless and putting myself in dangerous situations. Everyone was noticing how my behavior had changed. I was becoming a person I didn't recognize. Almost 8 yrs. later - there's just never been anything worth risking my sobriety over. We're glad you're here. You can get free.