Hi Bella,
I have a similar experience. My son's father was abusive and died from suicide. My son was also abusive when drinking.
It does feel very similar and it's hard not to tie it in with their father's abuse and see it as the same. My son also blamed me for his father's death.
I think males have such a hard time with their father's abandonment and I know my son's drinking was a way for him to cope with some of that.
My son's behavior seriously triggered all the emotions from his father's abuse and his father's death. The similarity in behavior triggered all the fear of suicide. It triggered all the fear of being abused even though it was just verbal abuse from my son and never physical abuse.
Your counselor is dismissing you and all the complicated issues as a result of abuse. Would it be possible to find a counselor that works specifically with abuse victims?
It was also hard for me to separate my son from his father. Some of the anger I had toward his father was misplaced and directed toward my son. It is difficult to sort it all out.