Apparently you're still struggling through the holidays Canguy. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you with your pain and anger, but it's something that you have to work through alone. Have you seen a therapist? I know you have a lot of loss, but is the alcohol helping at all? It sounds like it's not solving the deeper problem either. Well, we are here for you and I'm hoping that in time none of us will be sounding sad, desperate or guilty.