Sober on a bus
I am currently on a bus to visit my parents a couple of states away.
A few days ago, I *may* have planned to bring a couple of IPAs with me and chug them in the bathroom so that I could be buzzed for a good portion of the trip. Like most of my drinking, I wasn't going to tell anyone, of course.
And now you all know.
And you also know that I didn't do it. Instead, I spent that money on a new album and have been writing this whole time.
I once heard someone say that we are only as sick as our secrets. This may have been one of the most destructive parts of my drinking.
Some of those secrets have included: 1. Hiding booze in the kitchen cabinets and drinking to drunk while cooking dinner, unbeknownst to my wife. 2. Waking up on weekend days when I don't have to drive anywhere (because THAT would be irresponsible) and having a few drinks. 3. Making excuses to go to the store (some seemingly very kind) so I could stop by the liquor store. 4. Ordering water when eating out, so I look like a teetotaler to my friends and wife, and then getting smashed in the kitchen at home. 5. Adding vodka to clear glasses of water, which makes people think I just really love to hydrate.
It's all concerning, and I have known that, and I think the guilt has contributed to why inside I have felt so gross for so long. My house has been a stage and I have been a magician, constantly developing new illusions to keep people from seeing what's really going on back stage. I even know which secret drinking behaviors in others to hypocritically roll my eyes. That's not the better part of who I am doing those things.
One thing I'm struggling with at this point is how to communicate with my wife. I honestly do not believe that she has any idea that I have been drinking as much as I have over the years. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but every time I have ever mentioned wanting to drink less, she has looked genuinely puzzled, like I'm saying I want to eat fewer carrots. She even acted mildly annoyed when I was sober for six months because she thought it was strange, socially, needing to explain that I'm not drinking when others are. The only options I can think of at the moment are: 100% come clean about my inner world or just stop drinking and keep it my responsibility.
Not so oddly, sometimes I kind of hoped I world get caught sneaking or make a huge mistake so that I could openly confront it. I worry that if she knows how much I have lied, that would trump the alcohol abuse issue. She is one of the normies who has 1-3 drinks a week and is good with it, and every time I have brought concerns about drinking up in conversation (she knows my dad lost his family because of alcohol), it has become clear that she is also someone who does not separate alcoholism from the skid row bum.
At this point, probably best to stay focused and cross that bridge when I have some more foundation.
Anyway, yes. Secrets. Alcohol. So many secrets buried in all of it for me. It feels good to have gone two full days without any deception.
Apologies for the length. I'm on a bus, sober :P
-A