Thanks everyone. It feels good to have someplace to say it. (IRL friends would mostly be like "Wait, when did you get back together with that jerk??!!" because we had a big long drunk breakup a while back). And it feels good to have encouragement.
Especially when this is kind of me right now:
Wehav, you're right about processing. The drunk breakup was like Groundhog's Day. I never dealt with my feelings, they never got less intense, and so it was just easier to get back together after it all.
This time I feel ready to get sober from the guy. Day 1. So far so good... sad but also relieved somewhat. In practice I haven't been getting much from the relationship for a long time. So on the day to day there's not much of a change. It's just a different landscape of hope. Different things to hope for.
I've lost so, so much in the last couple of years. And rather than feel like I'm at my breaking point with loss, I feel like I know how to survive it now. I hope. As far as real sobriety goes, I'm raising all alert systems to high and just going to focus on keeping my good progress going no matter what the feelings start doing.