Bluehawaii.....from where I sit....it looks like you are truly between a rock and a hard spot....
The daughter is ruling the roost... The family has dysfunctionally arranged itself to support and enable her (whether you intended to or not).....
The marriage has not met your needs for a long time....
The whole family is in the "dance" together....
This has gone on for a long time....the dynamics are deeply ingrained.....
The only thing that I can see that will change the dynamics is drastic action.
Remember the saying: Nothing changes if nothing changes.....?
Your daughter will not get better l iving in the parental home....
My suggestion.......Visit a lawyer and draw up separation papers....and, then move, with your younger daughter into an apartment of your own.
Bluehawaii...if you read my posts...you will seldom see me be so blunt....and, I am being that way with you......as I don't see wher anything less that drastic will make any difference.....
dandylion
By the way...I do think her behavior is appalling....and, so is his.....